Lonely when I'm not alone.

These days I feel bombarded by my old life. It seems such a sunny, happy remembrance, something I am missing out on. Somewhere I should be. Yet I can't go back. I can't say why I left, and I don't know why I can't go back. Is it solely pride? My family? Or am I really and truly searching for the truth.

I don't think people believe my passion for Christ.

I don't know if I believe I have that passion.

Where am I on sunday? Should I be trying harder? Should I be praying more?

My life is SO not where I expected it to be 10 years ago. Or even 5 years ago.

I feel left out. Abandoned. Lonely.

Is the only place that you find real friends at church?

Or is it just me. Am I the one that makes my life hard.

The times that I try to be involved I feel happier for awhile, but I still feel left out.

The times I stay home and do nothing I feel inconsolable.

Where is the justice?

Why did God make me this way?

This sad shell of a person. Unable to stand up for herself. To be liked. To like herself.

Where do I find faith in a God that says so many different things to people? All religions change. All religions grow with the times. No religion is the same as it was when it started. They all have excuses. "People were not ready for it" "The world was not ready for it" "The church was not ready for it" "The doctrine had not yet been revealed"

But it all amounts to the same thing.

How can God be unchanging... If he is constantly changing?

"It is not God, but man, who keeps changing"

Shouldn't there be some blatant sign that THIS is God?

Faith is foolish. How can it be faith in one God, when all faiths vary so vastly?

Such horrible things are done in the name of faith. Such horrible acts of eliteness, snobbery, pride, belittling, putting others down. All done in the name of faith.

I don't feel loved.

I just feel lonely.

How can you be lonely when you know you're not alone?