I grew up in a church that preached about "the burning in the bossom" and the closeness of God and how much he answers prayers. Well I prayed all the time and never got the answer to the one question I wanted an answer to. My biggest problem was that I wanted to answer so bad, and I believed so much, no I knew that I would get an answer, that I looked for that answer in everything. I found it in everything. Any little thing in my life was tied to that one question, because I wanted that answer and I knew that God would eventually give me that peace.
I've been told that you must love God before others, and others before your self. Well if that's true, then why do people say you have to love yourself before you are able to love anyone else? I don't know if I love God more than anyone else, I thought I knew when I was younger, than I had a daughter and I know I would do anything for that little girl. I also know that I do not do anything for God. I don't live for him, nor do I even think about him as much as I do my daughter. So does that make me a bad Christian? Or am I "just human" and subject to failure?
I think I know now that it is not that you must love yourself, it is that you must find peace with yourself. I don't know if that's harder or not, but I know I am not anywhere close. How do you find peace with an imperfect object? How do you find peace with someone who hurts others? Who offends people everyday, who glares and grumbles and has anger in their heart? Or is that the very nature of peace, that you know something is imperfect, and you can find the beauty in that anyway, and be ok with the imperfections.
That does not mean complacent, it just means that you can look at yourself in the mirror every night before you go to bed and say, "good try today". Maybe you weren't perfect, maybe you didn't everything right, but you can find peace with what you actually were that day, not what you wish you were. Getting to that peace is very trying also. That helps, the trying. It is easier to find peace with a work in progress, than a finished label.
I cannot find peace with myself though. I can tell others all about it. I can give them hope, but it is only false hope, because even though I believe it, I cannot live it. I am a horrible religious hypocrite. I love religion and I can't live it. I love God, and I can barely speak to him. I cannot find peace with Him, or with myself. Does that mean I am doomed to a failed relationship? Or will Jesus come save me and give me peace?
I am still searching for the answer to my question. I am trying to not find it in every little thing I pass. I am trying not to live with my question daily. Maybe that will be my peace someday, that I won't be living with the search for my answer. That letting go of my question will give me peace and I won't have this aching hole left by the silent answer. Or maybe God will finally hear me crying in the dark and give me his peace, and wipe my tears away with the answer I so desperately search for.
Jesus gave his peace to all, by saving them. Am I selfish for wanting more?
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