The Voice in the Rain

I remember when I was growing up, the thing I wanted most was to feel God's presence. Every month I heard people bear witness that God was in their lives and that they could feel Him with them. I wanted that more than anything. I knew that if I believed hard enough it would come true. My favorite story in the Bible was the one about the women in the crowd that caused Jesus to stop and say "Someone has touched me". Her faith was so strong that not only could Jesus feel it, he could feel some power come out of him into her. He stopped and looked for the source of that draw. She said that she knew that if she could just touch him she would be cured. You know, the best part of that story is that she was right! All she had to do was touch him, then she was cured!

I knew that, that would be my fate too. Because I knew that all I had to do was wait and Jesus would make me whole again. He would answer my prayers, he would save me. I KNEW. So I waited. And I grew up. And no answers, no peace, no help. I was still unbelievably broken, and getting worse. Yet still I believed, still I prayed. 

"God tests us" 

"We are rough and He makes us like diamonds with heat and pressure"

"That which doesn't kill us makes us stronger"

"It is through our trials that God knows us"

"God does not give us trials that we cannot bear"

I repeated every nonsensical mantra in my head as I waited for his deliverance. Didn't the Jews have to wait patiently year after year for Moses to come. And then even longer to find a home. I could wait to find my home.....couldn't I?

My pain was only growing. Like a cancer it began to attack every decent thought, every decent memory, until all I was, was a decaying, broken shell. Still I was alone. Still I had no answer.

The end nearly came many times. I was a wreck. I could hardly function, and I definitely could not hold onto any type of relationship. I was even more alone, by my own doing! And still God would not deliver me. 

I escaped to the mountains. I drove and drove, looking for somewhere to hide away forever, or at least till I could breathe again. Soon I couldn't see, my tears were too much, so I had to pull over. I cried out for God again and again! "Where are you!" He was not there, He would not save me. 

Then I heard something so real, that to this day I still do not know if I made it up, or if it was true. A voice. A simple voice, from my head or from His mouth, His voice.

"I will weep with you"

Then, out of the bright, blue Idaho sky, came rain. It rained for the next hour as I sat in my car crying and screaming and tearing at my skin. The sky poured out my pain on the mountainside even as my tears down my face. 

Finally when I had control of myself, I wiped my eyes, took a deep breath, and started my car. 

And the rain stopped too.